Monday, August 26, 2013

The honest truth

Okay, I'm going to be brutally honest here. Most of my posts are about how even in the tough times, God is there helping us through and guiding us every step of the way. Also, since we began foster care; I've been pretty upbeat about how we are so happy to be helping children who are in desperate need of a home and people to love and care for them.
While all those things are true and I fully believe them, I've been struggling lately. I even dare say that I'm in a place I never wanted to be and I hate that I'm here. I'm in a place of questioning God. Why me? Why when we try to live our lives for Him and raise our son for Him, do we have to go through all of this? Am I not fit to be a mother to more than one child?
I don't think that questioning God to an extent is wrong, but I hate to be this way.
Here's a little of what's going on with me...I recently had a second miscarriage. At first, I was doing very well with the whole thing. God gave me this unusual peace throughout the whole ordeal and I was fine. Then we went to visit some family for a week and we had to put our foot down in regards to our children and how certain family member(s) were disrespecting our authority with the children. This went on to our not being talked to for a whole day even though we were staying in their house. We then got home and the girls have become an almost daily reminder that their parents didn't care enough to straighten out enough to not have their precious daughters taken away. All the while I just hope and pray that I can have another baby.
Now, some of these things are completely not related to one another, but they have all compounded to make my emotional state a complete mess. I was never an emotional person until I started this 2 1/2 year journey of trying to have a second baby. I rarely cried and the ups and downs of an emotional roller coaster were something I knew NOTHING of. Now, now it has become common place. I have no idea what to do with all these new emotions that are running through me. I pray to God to help me because I don't want to be this person, but I have NO idea how to begin to once again become who I was.
 I have a friend who has been battling health problems for the past several years. She's been to countless doctors, tried countless different medications and still is seemingly no closer to finding out what's going on than when they began. I talked to her this week and she said she'd had a rough week to. She told me she started to think about how could God let these things happen to us, when we are such good people. We are taking care of the girls, we love our son beyond measure and she just started to think about how life isn't fair.
I thought about the same things with her situation. I started to think how she is such a good momma, she is one of the kindest, most helpful people you could ever possibly meet and how can God let her continue to struggle with this sickness?
We've had quite the similar week, coming from different places, but ending up in pretty much the same place.
Some days out of the blue, I just don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to deal with the tantrums of a three year old girl who has parents that didn't take the time to train her how to respond correctly to not getting her way. I don't want to deal with the screams of a one year old, who apparently screams because that was the only way she got attention before. I. Don't. Want. To. Deal. With. It!
At these times, I try to pray to God to help me to not be this person. This stranger that has taken up residence in my body. I'm often left with a short prayer that goes something like this..."Dear Jesus, please help me to have patience and not to be this way." That's it, Short and sweet. Because frankly, I don't know what else to say. I know God knows what's on my heart and I hope that He's getting the message BEHIND my words, not just my words, because my words fall short of what I really want to convey. I just don't know how to convey it.

I wrote this about a month after I miscarried, but now almost 3 months later I've had a very similar week and decided it's time I show you all the good, the bad and now, the ugly. I'm just human, but I can't stand to let myself live like this. I know there are good times and bad times, but I am desperate to get myself out of this slump. If you are in a slump of your own, just know that I understand and that it will get better.
God knows what we are going through physically and emotionally. HE is the one that created us and He will get us through. Trust HIM...He's all I have sometimes!
(although I do have a pretty amazing husband and son too!)

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